I don’t know how I got here..

I used to be your average girl. In fact, I am your average girl. But I used to be really bubbly and happy. All the time. When I look back, it’s like I was a different person.

Last night my mom told me that my father is going to get married to another woman. My mother, also, is getting married to another man. My mom and dad have been living a part for a while and even though they’re officially divorced as of last september, it has just begun to sink in that they’re divorced. Divorced. Never getting back together. Ever.

See, divorce isn’t as common in Pakistan as it is in the western countries. It’s a much frowned upon idea. My parent’s divorce was inevitable. They never got along from the very first day of their marriage. Still, our society would force and want couples to live together, even if they were at a point in their lives where they were sleeping in different rooms and fighting every day of their sorry, sad, miserable life. But things happened and they eventually went their separate ways and now here we are.

I was at work while the bomb was dropped on me. It wasn’t a bomb though, to be honest. But they way my mom made me swear that I wouldn’t tell it to anyone, made me think it was a really big bomb. Somehow, when she said those words, it didn’t really affect me. I have no clue why.

It’s not that I hate my father. Even though our relation has always been strained, I do love him because he’s my dad. But I wasn’t sad that he’s trying to start a new life. I just didn’t care.

Why? I should care, right? That I don’t have a family anymore? That they’re both going their separate ways? That they are starting new lives with different partners? That they’re not mommmy and daddy anymore? An end of a marriage is always sad. No matter how inevitable, it is heartbreaking. The end of a union should be sad. But it’s not. Not to me.

What’s wrong with me? Is it a defense mechanism? Or have I just stopped feeling things?


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